Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it 'guaranteed', I will. I got spare time.

— Tommy Callahan (Chris Farley)

boxeschris farleyguaranteestommy callahan

6 seconds sound clip from the Tommy Boy (1995) movie soundboard.

You can hear this line at 00:57:27 in the Blu-ray version of the movie.

Quote context

[...]

- What's your point?

- The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? 'Building model airplanes' says the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.

- He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter is knocked up.

- I've seen it a hundred times.

- But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?

- 'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it?

- Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it 'guaranteed', I will. I got spare time.

- But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

- Okay, I'll buy from you.

- Well I... What?

- He's made one deal. It's not the end of the world.

[...]

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