Judge Elihu Smails Movie Quotes & Lines – 9 Classics (+ Audio)

Updated: Apr 30, 2026

Find and rate the best quotes by Judge Elihu Smails, selected from famous or less known movies, as rated by our community, featuring short sound clips in MP3 and WAV formats.

1 Ty, what did you shoot today? -Oh, I don't keep score, judge. -Oh, well, how do you measure yourself with other golfers? -By height.

Ty Webb (Chevy Chase), Judge Elihu Smails (Ted Knight) in Caddyshack (1980)

2 Music is a violation of our personal privacy.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

3 Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

4 Say, I'm having a little party at the Yacht Club this Sunday. I'm christening my new sloop. What are you doing this Sunday? -I have no plans. -Great! How'd you like to mow my lawn, eh?

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

5 It's easy to grin when your ship comes in and you've got the stock market beat, but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

6 There's a lot of, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. Felt I owed it to them.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

7 You're not a man! You're a bishop, for God's sakes! -There is no God.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

8 Lacey, you'd be interested in knowing that this uniform was given to me by the captain of the Links of St. Andrews from Scotland. They invented the game there, you know, except they call it gof without the L as we do.

Ted Knight in Caddyshack (1980)

9 You! You! You're no gentleman! -I'm no doorknob either, all right?

Judge Elihu Smails (Ted Knight), Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield) in Caddyshack (1980)